Once upon a time, I prayed to know God’s will. (apparently, I haven’t learned the lesson of “be careful what you wish for.” And yet, I really did–and do–always want to know God’s will for me and my family.)
And then He showed us, quite clearly, what He had in mind. Now, just because I know very clearly part of the plan, doesn’t mean I understand the “why”, or the bigger picture. I just know that this was unexpected, a shock, a surprise, and created quite the stir of emotions. In fact, Fence and I are still grappling with emotions on this.
Our little brood is growing again.
And what was once a little brood is now quite large. We outgrew our minivan. Do you know how crazy it feels to outgrow a minivan?
Today was my first appointment. I am 8ish/9ish weeks along. I have been sitting on making this pregnancy public for a month. I quite honestly still feel in denial some days; but I can’t keep that up when I am so tired, always hungry, and starting to outgrow my jeans. Oh, and my kids have noticed my growing belly. The 6th baby bump shows so much sooner!
Now that I have a sweet picture of the squirmy little bebe, I really can’t pretend this isn’t happening, and I feel more comfortable letting all the emotions hang out. (maybe not all of them. Still processing over here. Just know that I find life terribly unfair, and I’m praying daily for all my friends and family who have suffered losses and infertility.)
It was hard. This pregnancy was completely unexpected. To say “unwanted” sounds horrible. Life is so precious. Fence and I have always been open to children…and every time we come together we know the possibility of pregnancy exists, even with stellar practice of Natural Family Planning. So, yes, we were open to new life again, but we were not in the “trying to conceive” or “trying to whatever” camp. It is hard, when we had plans for our current family size, I had goals of running a few 5K races, etc. It is hard when God changes your plans.
It still feels hard, because I know what is coming (I hate labor. Hate. It.). It is hard because I hoped for a chance this year to really tone up my body. It is hard because I didn’t plan this, and wanted my plans.
But. I prayed–we prayed–for God’s will to be done.
Lord, not my will, but Your will be done.
Not only that, I prayed for the grace to know, and the courage to follow, His will. Fence and I…well, we’re praying hard for trust. For deeper faith. For protection over this new life in our family.
NEW LIFE. It’s amazing. SO INCREDIBLY AMAZING that even now, 6 pregnancies in, I am in awe of life. This tiny child has a soul already. God has mapped out his or her life with more love than I can fathom, and trusted us to love and care for this baby. It’s overwhelming. It’s humbling. I’m brought to my knees in prayer, because I literally cannot do this without the grace and love of God backing me up.
And so, now our family grows. We’ll welcome (God-willing, with a safe and healthy pregnancy and birth) our 6th child into our arms sometime in late September. Pray with us?